Things I've Actually Heard People Say
"We're going to condense three weeks of logs into fifteen minutes." (Mr. Stoick)
~ "It's never fun until you poke someone's eye out." (Mr. Stoick)
~ "You don't know your asymptote from a hole in the graph, you mother function." (Mr. Stoick)
~ "Now watch. At no time will my fingers leave my hands." (Mr. Stoick)
~ Amanda: "Hey Nicole; If I give you a dollar, will you go buy a life?"
Nicole: "No, because I've already got one."
Ang: "Hey Amanda. Can I have the dollar you were going to give her?"
Amanda: "No, because I've given up on you."
~ "Stop making fun of my little penis!" (Me, talking about mints)
~ "Some wine, ho!" (from Shakespeare's Othello, Repeated by me and Katie.)
~ "Someday, I'll come in and buy condoms and thong underwear and tampons and bras and then you'll be sorry."
(Me, threatening to embarass my brother at work)
~ "Oh shit! I'm covered with blood! Someone get me a towel!" (Me at work, cutting roast beef)
~ "Does anybody mind if I cut the cheese?" (Me, at work.)
~ "I've got valuable blood!" (Mark, talking about giving blood.)
~ "A young girl, mistreated by her mother and sister, meets up with a two-headed cow and magical talking eggs."
(A description of an apparently scary story on MSN.)
~ "Just imagine if some police officer had come out and seen him in a coffin with a hacksaw, cutting off some dead
guy's dick!" (Katie G., in a discussion about the creationn of Frankenstein's monster.)
~ "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" (About a million squishy things that my brother and I ran up to, squeezed them all,
and ran away as they shrieked very loudly in a store. It was funny.)
~ "Procrastination is like masturbation. It's fun while you're doing it, but when you're finished, you realized you
just screwed yourself." (Alex)
~ Substitute Teacher: "We're on page 37."
Me: "I know exactly where we are. I just don't want to read." (When I was forced to read aloud in class.)
~ "So, ah, you have a little shrine to yourself in your entryway? Do you have worshippers? Should I kneel?"
(Me, to Royce, upon seeing a display of pictures of him.)
~ "RED ROVER!" (Me, when I saw Amanda and Garret almost holding hands, and I ran in between them, inevitably
separating these star-crossed lovers.)
~ "So just jump him. If he says 'What the hell are you doing?' then just say 'Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone
else!'" (Amanda, giving "advice.")
~ "I'm a choir boy!" (Said in a falsetto voice by me and Nicole.)
~ "You've been flashed!" (Mr. Stoick)
~ "I like Parent-Teacher conferences. I am always amazed how the mannerisms, ideals, and philosophies of the student
and parent match up. Which is really scary because I have kids." (Mr. Stoick)
~ "Now that I've got my poet's license, I can legally go out on the streets and write poems." (Nicole, in AP
English, when Mr. Stuart told us to "use our poet's licenses wisely and to the full extent.")
~ "License to rhyme! POEM POEM POEM!" (Katie, in a play off Nicole's quote.)
~ "You ever start talking to someone and think 'God, my hands would fit around their neck so well right now.?' I'm
smart enough to commit the perfect crime and if not, hell, it'd be worth it." (Mr. Koupal, sharing with us one of his
~ "When we don't smoke for a day, we call in National Smoke-Out Day. So would the day when we don't drink pop be
called National Pop-Out Day?" (Me. In order to get this, you'd either have to be female or understand what "popping
~ Me: (to Alex) "Did you know that 78% of statistics are made up on the spot?"
Alex: "Only 14% of people know that!"
~ "If this were REALLY Thanksgiving, my pants would be off by now!" (Mark.)
~ "It's not pumpkin pie without naked Grandpa!" (Mark.)
~ "Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once." (Me.)
~ "HAND CHECK!" (Yelled very loudly and obnoxiously by me, to see just where Amanda and Garret had their hands
under the table. For your information, they raised their collective hand. As one. I almost puked.)
~ Christopher: "She's just sitting there, staring at the wall. Where's the fun in THAT?"
Me: "Maybe she sees something we don't see."
Christopher: "Like what?"
Me: "Don't ask ME! I don't have a demented cat mind! I don't lick my own ass after taking a dump! I don't eat out
of a bowl! I don't lick my roommates . . . I don't even have roommates, but if I did, I wouldn't lick them! I don't sleep
23.6 hours a day except on Saturday. I am not twisted like her. Maybe you should ask her! Go on! Ask her! Maybe she has
an answer!" (Me and my brother, commenting on my cat Xena, who stared at a wall for, I shit you not, twelve minutes.
~ "I was at a math conference and they explained this problem and I said 'No way.' We did I little math and then
I said 'WAY!'" (Stoick)
~ "I make people's dreams come true! Damn, that makes me sound like a prostitute. Which makes you my pimp."
(Me, talking to Carl about a comic we're working on)
~ "You can get away with saying anything in school as long as you use air quotes: 'FUCK YOU'" (Mr. Koupal)
~ "I'm so fashionably late, I show up AFTER the party!" (Brittany)
~ "I won't even go to a party without Dance Dance Revolution. I'll be eighty and ask 'Will there be Dance Dance Revolution?
No? Then I'm not going. But when I'm that age, I'll have adopted a third limb. I cane. See, it's an advantage."
~ "Even God makes mistakes. The only person who doesn't make mistakes is me. There was one time I came close to making
a mistake, but I was mistaken." (Mr. Ukura)
~ "The guys just don't understand color coordination. I'm just a walking piece of art!" (Carl)
~ "Who cares? It's French." (Professor Fahy)
~ "Stop rubbin' the nubbin'!" (me)
~ "What is this, the Creatures of the Night Club?" (Jeff)
~ Stacy: No means no!
Jeff: Except when no means yes. Like in pre-devised rape fantasies, when safe words like 'banana creme pie' mean no.
~ "iMacs are worse than the bookstore because at least at the bookstore, you can buy candy." (Annie)
~ "Well, all I know is that I looked in my hand and I was holding a butt-plug." (me)
~ Me: I'm more versatile than vinyl.
Jeff: I don't know . . . you can make pants out of vinyl and such.
Me: You could make pants out of my flesh. And I have good skin. I would make terrific pants.
~ Emily: You're in your pajamas? What kind of waitressing do you do?
Jeff: The kind where she caters to the customers' every needs.
~ Me: (after dropping my guitar for probably the eighth time) I'm never going to have children.
Jeff: Not for long, at least.
~ "My doohickey likes to tell me how long it is until I reach fulfillment." (Jeff, talking about World of Warcrack,
but purposely making it perverted.)
~ Me: Homosexuality? That conversation can only go one way.
Jeff: No, actually it could go both ways.
~ (Jeff is flipping a coin) I keep getting heads
Emily: Be glad you're getting heads, not tails.
~ "You don't need deodorant if you don't have armpits." (Anthony)
~ "It says 'Please try again.' I think I will!" (David)
~ "Fortunately I'm not rubbing off on him the way he's rubbing off on me, if you know what I mean." (Jeff)
~ "Objects in glasses appear bigger than they actually are." (Emily)
~ "There's America for you: apple pie, mom, and blowjobs." (Jeff)
~ "It's not called 'having a baby.' It's called 'making dinner.'" (Jeff)
~ "You lost me at 'butt rape.'" (Jeff)
~ "After you turn 21, the novelty of Canada kind of wears off and it becomes a giant northern Minnesota." (Heather)
~ "What is that show where they bring in an old car and fix it up? 'Pimp My Ride?' Well, it's 'Pimp My Paper Tuesday.'
Don't you want your paper to be pimped?" (Professor Fahy)
~ "The Declaration of Independence was created to give the King of England the finger! The Declaration of the Finger!"
~ "Bring your rifles, I mean your laptops!" (Professor Fahy)
~ "So what you're saying is that you've got an aura of non-sackability." (Jeff)
~ "Chocolate inside chocolate? Why would you do that to people?" (Me)
~ "I can't believe I'm 20 years old and talking about poo." (Me)
~ "Well I've burned the bible before and apparently they're made of slightly flame-resistant paper." (Jeff)
~ "You can't win a 'stupid' contest with me, because I've got the advantage." (David)
~ "Can I put my junk in your trunk?" (David)
~ David: Time for drinking more of the nastiness.
Jeff: Whose nastiness are you drinking there, Dave?
David: My own.
Later . . .
David: This leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
~ Emily: My brother got fired.
Me: From his job?
Emily: No, from life. Here's your sign.
~ "If the mood would ever strike me, I could take this place into a dictatorship within a couple days." (Mitchel)
~ "If you ask me, Jell-O should be less Jell and more O." (Jeff)
~ "I have to jiggle it before I eat it." (Me)
~ "Melissa's house did not smell like ass-cone because I definitely did not ass-cone it." (Jeff - an ass-cone
is the internet "hart" <3. It looks like an ass-cone.)
~ "I'm surrounded by bouncing crotches!" (Me, when cornered in Best Buy and everyone decided to jump up and
down around me.)
~ "Since when have we cared about people watching?" (Jeff)
~ Shell: What size cup are you cupping?
Me: . . . kids'
~ "He's going to an orgy. The theme is 'How Much Mandle Can You Handle?'" (Christopher)
~ "I volunteered once and ended up in a musical." (Mitchel)
~ "I volunteered once and ended up in a ballet . . . well I did! It's a true story." (David, talking about
~ "Why is he driving a truck? He should be driving, like, a Honda Rollerskate or something, for the miles per gallon."
~ (Christopher throws a nail at me.) Jeff: You just nailed your sister!
~ "I was always mad at the 'special' kids because they got special treatment. I didn't understand, I thought they
were just lazy." (David)
~ "What's more interesting than a bifurcated penis?" (Me)
~ "Oh my god! Brian owes me five bucks! I'm gonna cut his dick off!" (Me)
~ "No, he doesn't have an innocent face, because we all know that deep inside, he has a penis." (Emily, about
~ Jeff in a gay voice to David: I just want to make you my little carrot-muffin. And don't get me started on the frosting!
~ "I'm sorry, I have bigger problems. I can't pick a favorite color. I love the whole rainbow equally!" (Jeff,
in a gay voice)